What's it all about, Spencer?

Celebrity news

In this exclusive interview Kristen Stewart speaks to Diana, Princess of Wales, from beyond the grave, via the Popular 90s girls’ toy Dream Phone.

KS: Hi Di, how’s tricks?

POW: Not so bad, they have Jamba Juice in the afterlife, did you know?

KS: Yeah, Eva Longoria told me that. She had a near death experience at the bikini waxers - saw her whole life flash before her eyes and ordered an Orange Carrot Karma whilst she was at it.

POW: Shot of wheatgrass?

KS: Yes bitch! You know Eva!

POW: Oh Kirsten, you crack one up. Ethel Merman’s here, she wants me to tell you she’s a big fan.

KS: How sweet! Right back at ya Ethel!

POW: (Muffled) Don’t crowd me Ethel, I’m working.

KS: So Di. The reason I wanted to chat with you was because I’ve just made a movie about a particularly dreadful Christmas you spent with the Royal fam in the ‘90s.

POW: Gosh Kirsten, sounds dreadful.

KS: It’s Kristen actually but the film’s actually pretty alright, like 7.5 out of 10 maybe? I mean it’s no “ZOLA”, lol!

POW: Well at least it’s not “The Happiest Season,” eh? Eh?

KS: Oh wow, Di! I didn’t know you’d seen that!

POW: Oh yes, watched it on a flight across the astral planes. The stewardess suggested that it’d help me realise being dead is not all that bad, comparatively speaking.

KS: God, Di! You are hilarious!

POW: I know, I know. Now, what was it you wanted to ask one?

KS: Just wanted to know, did the Royals *really* make you wear that revolting yellow sailor girl get-up, or were the production team just taking the piss by having me wear it?

POW: Let’s see. Yes, Looks like it could be one of mine. Tell me, did the ensemble come with some extremely frumpy flats, and a pair of 15 denier tights?

KS: Uh-huh.

POW: Yeah, thought as much…guilty as charged! All mine, lol. So what’s the overall vibe of the film then? Is it a fashion flick or more of a heart-rending but luscious “boo-hoo, poor Di” kind of thing?

KS: Yeah, only we shot it like a horror film.

POW: How profound, what a striking metaphor for one’s claustrophobic life of luxury.

KS: Yeah man, it’s deep. Shit gets real.

POW: And do the horrid, horrid Windsors get shown for how beastly they really are?

KS: You know, I couldn’t say for sure…I kept nodding off, but as I remember, they kinda seem like, ah, like really lazy sadists? Like really uptight and mind-numbingly dull. Really badly dressed too…

POW: Of course! All that tweed, and not a quilted handbag or a plunging neckline in sight! (Sound of violent shudders)

KS: The queen looks good though.

POW: What?

KS: Like, smoking hot actually. They cast Stella Gonet, and it’s like, yes ma’am you can summon me to the throne room anytime for a right royal…

POW: WTF Kirsten? How the holy fuck did they make the queen sexy? The fucking queen, Kirsten???

KS: I mean, yeah, it’s kinda flattering casting I guess, but we have to keep the royal fam onside if we wanna be in with a shot of winning a Pride of Britain award, you know what I mean?

POW: You know what Kirsten? Fuck you! You and your whole film are bullshit and I’m putting this comparison image here so you can see that the queen looks not a bloody thing like Stella bloody Gonet FFS!

KS: Wow. Ok, wow. I can see this has really riled you.

POW: Riled me? You don’t know the jolly half of it Ms Queer Hollywood. Miss Bisexual-anything-bloody-well-goes.

KS: Chill Di, chill

POW: Did you ever think Kirsten, that maybe, MAYBE that if the queen did look like Stella Gonet things might’ve worked out a little differently? Perhaps I would’ve been tempted to sample the forbidden majestic nectar, after you-know-who gave me the old heave-ho? But no. Never happened. And you know why Kirsten? Because Liz has the sexual charisma of a kipper, that’s why…

KS: Way harsh, Di.

POW: …So whilst you’ve got Stella fucking take-me-now Gonet in the role, the reality is that I spent that whole bloody Christmas staring across a frigid dining table at a woman who looks like Nosfertau in drag! So it’s not at all jolly-well surprising that I’m jolly-well cross is it Kirsten? (Indistinct muttering of curses) Making that old cow look like a silver-haired good time GILF? Bollocks to the lot of you!

KS: C’mon Di, that’s just Hollywood! Don’t be mad, we were having fun.

POW: No. You can piss off now, I’m bally cross! One refuses to talk with you anymore unless you paint Stella Gonet out pronto, and replace her in post-production with whomever it was that played Gollum in “Lord of the Rings”. Immediately!

KS: Ok, well, I’ll see what I can do Di…

POW: That’s Her Royal Highness to you, you back-stabbing little slug! (Bloodcurdling shrieks of rage)

KS: Ok! Ok! It’s cool, Her Royal Highness, it’s cool. I’m on it. Please, just take a deep breath. I’m on it.

POW: Good. Fine.

KS: You still good to haunt Meryl Streep’s walk-in wardrobes though?

POW: Oh I wouldn't miss that for the world!

KS: Ah, k, cool. Shake her up real bad yeah, Di? So she won't even think of accepting that Best Actress nomination. I gotta get this Di, I gotta! I deserve it.

POW: Sure, sure, Kirtsen. Look one’s gotta dash. It’s my turn to put the flea powder on Doris Day you see and she’s already a little over due.

KS: Ok sure. Bye Di. Er, I mean, goodbye Her Royal Highness.

POW: Ta-ta Kirsten, and spook soon!

KS: Huh?

POW: Just my little joke, dear.

KS: I don’t get it.

POW: Spoooook soon??? Oh never mind. Ciao for now, babes.